What's Up, Anxiety?

“Butterflies in my stomach from stress” I typed in my phone as I bite my nails in anticipation of the fate of my Google search. This was first time I was introduced to the ugly truths of anxiety. I can still remember it very clearly. I was a sophomore in college sitting on my bed feeling like my stomach was in my back and filled with butterflies. But the bad kind. My heart was racing and it felt like I was going to pass out. Initially I thought I was having a trippy experience. I would later learn that I was having an anxiety attack.

Throughout college I learned to subside my anxiety and thoughts. I was mindful of the people I hung around, avoided large crowds on days I didn’t have the energy to socialize and read up on self-help. I tried to educate myself on what I was dealing with and how I could overcome it. I would later learn that this was a poor decision. Suppression of my anxiety was uncontrollable and reflected into some poor decision making in my personal life. Two years later and I’m still dealing with this but I’ve come to the realization that this is not something that just comes and goes when it pleases. There is no on and off switch for anxiety.

One misinterpretation of anxiety is that if you’re not having an attack there’s nothing wrong. I’ve found that it can come around in different ways. Growing up I used to see that cartoon sequence of the angel and devil sitting on someone’s shoulders when they’re contemplating a hard decision. That’s what anxiety can feel like. On my left shoulder sits a somewhat level-headed version of myself and on my right shoulder sits my anxiety. It can be hard to decipher which one has your best interest at heart.

Despite social media’s attempts to make it trendy – anxiety is a real thing. It’s a mental disorder that is common and affects so many lives. Personally, it has had the biggest effect on my social life. At times, it has caused me to be a shitty friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister and aunt (I have a few other titles but you get the picture).

There are some days when I wake up and I have to force myself out of my own head to get up and have a somewhat good day. Anxiety has a tricky way of taking over your thoughts before you even get to fully fathom the idea. So, some days when I have plans I make them at a time when I’m excited and full of energy. Then the day comes and the thought of me getting out of the bed and socializing becomes crippling. It can be masked as having an attitude problem, feeling under the weather or not really in the mood. All of those “excuses” are easier than explaining to someone that your anxiety has convinced you that a crappy day lies ahead in the world outside of the four walls of your room.

Anxiety has told me every lie imaginable. “This isn’t safe.” “She’s not even your friend.” “Just ignore them, they don’t care about what you have to say anyways.” “I mean, did you really think you had a chance? Ha!” “Oh, you’re so going to fuck this up.” “You really should just stay in – you’ll be happier.” Overtime it gets easier to listen to that voice. It almost becomes comforting, a voice of reassurance.

About 9 months ago I felt stuck and complacent. I made the decision to leave Florida for my career and more importantly – my peace of mind. The funny thing about making a plan is that there are two sides to it. What you hope to seek out and accomplish and what God has already written for you. As many times as I’ve been told, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.” These past 7 months has been the hardest time for me. Between trying to find my place in a career, dealing with medical issues and finding the right fit for myself in this big city it can be very easy to become down and out. Anxiety is still something that I deal with every day but it has become less of a burden. Therapy has lifted a little of my burden but I am learning to believe in myself again.

I have had these thoughts for so long but have been hesitant to share. People often treat mental health as a scarlet letter. But after a ton of self-love, reflecting and therapy sessions I have learned that I am not alone. I have decided to share this blurb of reflection after listening to a podcast that has made me realize that I’m not alone with some of the things that I go through – shout out to Black Girl Podcast!

With social media and entertainment opening up the discussion on mental health with Generation Y and the black community, it is becoming a little less taboo. The conversation is so necessary. It’s so important to educate each other on what mental health is. It has no color, gender or face. It comes in many shapes and sizes but with self-love and a positive outlook it is controllable.

How do you feel about mental health? Is it something you currently deal with? What’s your take on therapy? Let’s talk below!

PS: If you’re a brown girl looking for a therapist click here.